Novelist | Singer
I learned something new today. Don’t you love that? Life has a good way of handing us humility in good measure almost every time we open our mouths. Here’s my discovery:
Having published two of these excerpts on caring for a loved one, I suddenly started to think about the terms I have been using, and so have decided to make a switch in vocabulary. I love words. I love Mark Twain’s quote: The Difference Between the Almost Right Word and the Right Word Is Really a Large Matter—’Tis the Difference Between the Lightning Bug and the Lightning.
Sometimes the meanings of words that we use in every day life become muddled, until you look into the dictionary and discover the true meaning. In the last two excerpts, I have referred to the help meet as a caretaker, and not a caregiver, and I apologize to the reader. After I published the last article, I got to thinking about this, wondering if these two words were identical. Turns out there is a stark difference.
Caretaking refers to the act of taking responsibility for the physical, emotional, or practical needs of another person. While caretaking may appear as caregiving on the surface, the underlying motivations, goals, and expectations differ significantly.¹
The article goes on to say that caretaking is a more self-serving behavior that can include a dysfunctional relationship or individual. Seeking attention and appreciation, or trying to fill an emotional need in themselves are the caretaker’s motives.
Wow. I guess we’re all familiar with these kinds of situations.
Caregiving on the other hand, is a selfless act, rooted in empathy and love.
Caregiving refers to the act of providing physical, emotional, or practical support to another based on genuine love, selflessness, and respect.¹
Caregiving is rooted in genuine compassion for the patient without expectation of a reward. Caregivers respect their patient’s autonomy, opinion, and situation. Please read the article cited here—it is excellent and provides guidelines in the tricky path of caring for someone.
It is as simple as self-centered behavior vs. other centered behavior.
Caregiving for my mother gave me free rein to live in her world, not force her to live in mine, “true” reality. What did it matter that she was not living in true reality? I was happy to live in her world. The conversation was easier and more interesting. It forced me to think quickly and creatively. I learned a lot about Mom and she never got upset with me.
Caregiving for my mother removed my embarrassment of her condition. While I never mentioned the words “Alzheimer’s” or “dementia” directly to her, I would share this with others to explain the lack of a filter that often occurs. Trust me—everyone understands, and in sharing that information, I learned a lot about others’ situations.
Admittedly, caring for my mother was fairly simple and straightforward. She wasn’t demanding, she was pleasant and cheerful almost all the time, she was agreeable and amenable. Caring for my husband is a different story. He’s by nature a very active guy, and being essentially homebound is driving him nuts. He’s a “take-charge” kind of man, and right now is feeling useless.
This is where the giving part comes in. The caregiver is also the provider of assurance. My husband did it for me when I had back surgery. Other than the pain itself, the feeling of uselessness was awful. For an active, goal-driven person, convalescing is not desirable, or some sort of “break” from life’s responsibilities. It’s practically a death sentence.
So we have struggled. We fight, sometimes loudly and absent our own filters. He tries to be sweet and thankful, and in the next breath, he is edgy and short-tempered. I try to give him a pass, but what he sometimes doesn’t consider is that he is not alone in his confinement. I am also a prisoner, trapped mostly at home to care for him. We’ve gotten better at valuing each other and communicating during this time. We certainly realize that life doesn’t go on indefinitely.
Giving is life-changing. All parents know this. Giving is maturing. It is ego-less. It is generous. It can be frustrating when it is not properly rewarded. But the very essence of giving is that reward is not the goal. Giving has been linked with the release of Dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, the “Happiness Trifecta.” 3 It can not only improve our mood, it can also positively affect our physical health.
Taking is seductive. It is the natural human response. Most of us are guilty of taking at some point in our lives. But taking is also destructive.
A person who approaches caregiving as a caretaker will eventually build resentment for the person who has stolen their time and freedom. It seems unfair. There is almost always imbalance in the sibling dedication to a parent or other sibling. To women, it seems that most times, but not always, caregiving for a parent falls to a female. This may make sense, but it is inherently unfair. Siblings often quarrel about who does what and who “gets away” with less responsibility.
Not everyone’s situation is the same, and again, my time spent caring for my mother was relatively brief and somewhat easy due to her agreeable nature. At many moments, I felt put-upon. Caregivers, fear not. While it may seem dire, if you assume the right attitude, caregiving may offer the biggest gift you receive in life.
Giving cannot be taken away. Life will change. People will die. But once you have made that commitment, no matter the length of time, no one can ever take it away from you. Even if it is terribly difficult, when it is over, you will know that you did everything you could to make that person’s life easier. That you provided for them what they could not for themselves. I would not trade the time spent caregiving for my Mom for more time in my life or money in my pocket. Those months with Mom in my care were the best months I ever spent with her. And some of the most valuable days of my life.
1. https://www.simplypsychology.org/caretaking-vs-caregiving.htmlhttps://bigthink.com/neuropsych/psychology-of-giving-to-charity/
2. https://nonprofitquarterly.org/good-young-old-forty-years-american-volunteering/
3. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/vitality/201404/the-neuroscience-giving
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